I can't forget the look on my dad's face when he looked at me and said to me and N, "Hey, ya'll come inside and look at something." Little did I know there was nothing to see on the other end of that statement other than heartache and tears.
I follow him in the house and wait to see what it was I was to see and then I get the look. The gut wrenching look from my dad that something was wrong. Something was really wrong.
"Whitney, Paw Paw shot himself in the head today."
My first thought was what in the heck is my Paw Paw doing loading a gun to accidently shoot himself.
Then it hit me. Suicide. I let out a wail and landed in my daddy's chest. I cried the ugly cry of course, for what seemed like two hours. And there my daddy held me and rocked me and spoke softly to me.
I composed myself and then the numbness faded. A flood of emotions came and I was mad. How could my granddaddy do this to my family? To my dad? To me? To my grandmother? Especially my grandmother. Suicide happens to other people families, not mine. In all the humility that I can muster up I say, we aren't that kind. We are raised to be people with dignity who don't give up. And the man of our family had just given up. And didn't care to tell us about it.
So of course we throw mix-matched clothes in bags, get in the car, and hit the road. It was dad, mom, N, and me. The confusion continued for 4 and a half hours. The whole time I was wondering details. How, when, where, and especially why?
Then we pulled into the driveway and the tears came. My cousin met me at the car door and we hugged. After meeting the family that was outside for a bit we ventured inside. To see who we had been dying to see. My grandmother. See saw us and we saw her and the flood of tears came. We talked about the details that I needed to know and some that I didn't want to know. The night ended at 2am.
Day 2 I woke up to my grandmother saying that she found a letter. It was a love letter from my Paw Paw to her. We cried.
Day 3 is Christmas Eve and funeral day. My grandfather wanted to be cremated so the service was short and sweet. To the point was what we needed it to be. And we cried and we cried. I could explain more details about the timing of this whole thing but I'll spare you. Just know that it was timed.
Day 4 is Christmas day and this is the first day that we laughed more than we cried. Which we needed. Maw Maw cleaned out stuff and sorted through things and cried. But at the end of the tears was a silly story about my Paw Paw and a smile creeped through.
So now let me feel you in on some details. My Paw Paw had Alzheimers disease and he knew it was getting bad. Yes we were raised not to be a coward and give up on our problems. And I thought that that was what he did. But instead of being a coward, he was being courageous. He didn't want to be a burden on my grandmother and us so he took the only road that he knew. And I appreciate him for it. For I know that he is where he wanted to be. With the Lord. Another man who held me and rocked me and spoke softly to me when my world came crashing down.
I am so upset that suicide was the reason for losing my first grandparent. I had prepared myself for other scenarios, but not this one.
I am upset that instead of a unity candle at my wedding, I will replace it with a memorial candle.
I am upset my children can't meet their great-grandfather.
But I am so grateful for salvation and the opportunity to see my Paw Paw again.
The story doesn't end there but for tonight I am going to close this chapter. Thats if you read up until this point.
