Happy Birthday Camden!

Camden, you are 1 year old! 

I have said that to who ever will listen to me today. 

 Last night I had the hardest time putting you down for bed, but this morning I had the honor of picking up a big, strong one year old boy toddler. I sang happy birthday to you at least ten times before I went to work. 

 You and I talked your Daddy into going to get donut holes for you and your class. I think they loved your birthday as much as you did. 

This morning you got some books and new shoes. You had the best time with your books and Daddy tonight. 

 You are walking almost exclusively now. You don't care to crawl, but you still love to hold our hands and walk around. I am quite ok with that for a little longer.

As I sit and ponder on what the next year of your life will bring, I can't help but think back on what all this year help. It was a tough one for us. Not because of you sweet son. Because that's life. You will face trial after trial all of your life. But I pray daily that you will always keep the Lord close to your heart. Let Him guide your steps. Listen to His soft words. Follow Him where He leads. He is taking you somewhere mazing. I promise.

Daddy and I love you more than words could ever say. You are the best thing that has happened to me and I am honored to have been your mother for a year. 

All my heart Bubs, 

Momma 

11 Months

It has been what seems like forever since I have posted a blog. I guess life decided for me that I needed a break after posting about the accident. First my DSLR camera broke. That meant no pictures of Camden for a little while-besides iPhone pictures. Then our internet went out. I borrowed my mom's camera to take Camden's pictures and it erased them all. I just haven't had good luck when it comes to blogging.

But alas- I am back. I am come bearing pictures of my boy. I wouldn't take no for an answer and I have risen above blogging fate. Take that blogger.

Camden is 11 months old. It is so hard for me to type that. What is even harder is knowing that I am planning his first birthday. It was just yesterday that we were having him.

Camden, let me tell you a little about yourself at 11 months old. This is by far my favorite age although you have been a hoot your whole little life. You are all boy. When I say all boy I mean it. Just take a look.

You love to eat dirt. Seriously. I did too when I was little so I will claim this one. If you can make a mess you will. So far I have caught you eating dog food, playing in the toilet, playing with your own poop, standing in the dog water, and rubbing your food covered hands on my walls. You love messes. I am fearful for the future. The bigger you get-the bigger the mess. Lord, help us all.

You love to be outside. If you are outside you are a happy happy boy. You weened yourself off of formula. One day you began rejecting it and you haven't looked back since. You are also on all finger foods. You said goodbye to baby food a long time ago. You love Cheeto-Puffs, ravioli, butter cookies, fruit, and cheese. You love to eat in general. You think that if someone has food you need to have some too.

You are in size 3 diapers and size 12 month clothes. You wear a size 4 shoe because your feet are huge! You love to sing into microphones and read books. You also love to dance. Bless your heart sweet boy- you got your mama's skills (or lack there of) so it isn't good dancing, but boy do you try.

In the last few days you have begun to walk. You don't walk exclusively but you are getting better each and every day. Your favorite person is your Papa J but next in line is your Daddy. You call him Boppa. If you could be outside with a ball and your daddy every second of the day, you would die of pure happiness.

Little one, I can't imagine my life without you. You are the light of my life and the joy in my heart. I will save the sap for your 1 year post because I am pregnant and am extra sappy.

I love you bubs.

This Is The Story-Part 5

The last part. It feels so good to be at this part. Especially after living through what we went through, this part was welcomed.

To be frank, I had a very hard time recovering from the accident. Thats what we call the whole incident around our house. I survived when it was actually going on but afterwards it all sank in just what my family had gone through. I was worried that people would view us differently if they ever knew what our family had been investigated for. I took everything personally. Because when social workers have to come to your house and look around to make sure it is a fit place to raise a child, you take it personally.

So I began to pray for a new start. I asked the Lord to give us something to renew the spirit of our family. I was so depressed that I didn't want to face another year. The thought of having to see February 13 again terrified me. What if something happened again? I couldn't face that valley again.

I begged and pleaded with the Lord to take the sad feelings that I was having away. It wasn't healthy for me to feel the things I felt. I had (and at moments still have) a lot of anger towards the doctor who rushed to the decision that Nathan had abused our child. I was mad at the hospital for not being more careful when they hired personelle. I was just plain mad.

In June, Nathan took a trip to Zambia, Africa. While he was gone I took a trip to Gulf Shores with my family. I felt a little emotional the whole time. But my name is Whitney and I struggle with my emotions. There I said it.

I snuck off to Wal-Mart one day because I needed some time alone. I wondered if I was emotional for another reason. Could I be pregnant?

Nathan arrived home the day after Father's Day. Camden and I met him at the airport. Camden had something very important to tell his daddy. Not only did he want to tell him that he missed him and he loved him but he wanted to announce that he was going to be a...

Nathan was just as shocked as I was when I found out. Believe me when I say that we were not trying for another one. Because when you are recovering from the DCS system's run around, lawyer fees, and other baggage that the accident left, you don't try for a baby.

But we welcomed the surprise. Children are a gift from the Lord. And we like gifts!

So we scheduled our Ob/Gyn appointment. When we went our doctor was surprised to see us. It had only been 8 months ago since we had given birth to Camden. They did the routine pee in a cup, blood work, and question stuff. Then we got to go in for an ultrasound.

In that room, the last measured Baby and gave us an approximate due date. We saw the doctor once more after that and he calculated our due date based on my last period.

We are due-

February 13, 2013.

The day of the accident just one year prior.

The Lord heard my prayers and answered. Just like He had the whole time through. I asked for something to make that day, that season, better. And if welcoming a new little one into our family isn't that answer then I don't know what is.

Sometimes I think that if we had never gone through the accident then I never would have prayed for something like this. If the accident had never happened then it was possible that I would have seen this new baby as an inconvenience, not an answer to a prayer. But sweet Jesus knew what He was doing and would do the whole time.

We are thrilled to be a part of this story. The Lord is a master of a writer and He is writing out a greater story bigger than we ever could have ourselves. So please pray for us as we prepare to be a family of 4. A family who is at the mercy of the Lord's plans. Trusting Him is very twist and turn of this story that we call life.

This Is The Story- Part 4

 Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

Yesterday's post was hard. I cried when I wrote it, and I cried when I went back and re-read it over and over again. It doesn't bring up any good feelings. But the Lord's glory is revealed in today's part.

On Thursday, we were supposed to hear from DCS. So we waited. And we waited. And while we waited we prayed for Camden. We stopped praying for our family. Up until this point we prayed that DCS would go away and we would be just like any other patient at LeBonheur- there to get the help they needed until it was time to go home.

We prayed that Camden would rest. People were constantly poking and prodding him. I was tired of seeing him be woken up. He needed to rest if he was going to heal. And you don't hurt while you sleep so I wanted my baby to sleep.

Oddly enough, this day was the day that the x-rays stopped, and he had a long bone scan in which he was wrapped up like a mummy and slept like one too. He smiled at us after his nap. At that moment, I was reassured that the Lord was with us in Room 1023.

The day ticked on and we heard nothing from DCS. We didn't know if no news was good news or if they were lining up foster care for our child. Because foster care was mentioned. We went to bed that night praying for a miracle the next day. We had no hand in this. We were at the mercy of the system. A system that is full of sinful people who look at cases like ours and do what they need to do and move on. We were just a number to them. Not the Russell's. The youth minister and the special needs teacher. Nope. They didn't care about our hearts. They just "wanted to do what was best for the child." So we prayed and went to bed.

On Friday we woke up with a renewed spirit but with nervous hearts. We first saw one of Cam's doctors and she told us that they would be discharging us. I was excited but I knew that we couldn't leave until we had heard from DCS.

And we did.

The two women that we had spoken to days before came into our room with their supervisor. They sat us down and let us know what was going on. I will explain it the best I can.

They said that since Nathan had "harmed" our child and the doctor believes that it was a case of abuse, he could not be alone with Camden. They told us that they were recommending that Nathan have no contact with us at our home for 72 hours. They also said that this recommendation would go in front of a judge that day and he would vote on what he thought we should have to do. After the 72 hours, we would go to court, plead our case, and then get another verdict on what would happen to our family.

After their talk they left for court and we were to wait for them to return with our fate.

Of course, I crumbled. 72 hours no contact with my husband. My infant had 7 broken ribs and he couldn't be around to help. I needed him and he needed me! So we did the only thing we knew to do. We prayed. We hit our knees and begged the Lord for mercy on our family. My prayer the whole time had been that the Lord wouldn't allow our family to be separated. If ever I needed him to answer, it was now.

While they were gone we took some advice, got on the phone, and hired two lawyers. We knew that what we were about to face was bigger than we could handle alone.

About 4 o'clock there was a knock on the door. It was Mr. Supervisor here to give us the outcome.

He said-

The judge over turned the 72 hour recommendation and instead put into place a restraining order on Nathan. That restraining order stated that Nathan was not allowed to be alone with the baby and that he was to be supervised if ever with the baby. I did not count as supervision. But the judge did approve my mom and Nathan's mom. That meant that if Nathan wanted to come home, my mom would have to sacrifice and move in with us. We had a court date set for April 16. She would have to live with us until then.

But we didn't complain. Nathan was getting to go home with us. We were leaving the hospital as a family of 3. Well now 4 including Mom!

The Lord answered my prayer. He heard me.

They unhooked Baby Boy from all the wires and his IV. We checked out of the hospital and went home.

But thats when the trial really started for our family. I will make the details as short as possible.

We spent a lot of days in limbo. Our attorneys worked fervently to end this period of supervision as soon as possible but it still took forever. The court system brought in a Guardian ad Litem. This was the person who would represent Camden in the court. She would decide where Camden would go if it was decided that he couldn't remain with us. The district attorney was called over and over for an answer on if she was going to prosecute Nathan or not. Because there were two cases going on at the same time. One with the Department of Child Services and one with the state of Tennessee. If the state decided to prosecute and they won, Nathan would be a registered child abuser. In Tennessee, this is on the same list as sex offenders. I could see our life unraveling before our eyes.

We called and scheduled for a second medical opinion in Nashville. We did everything we needed to do to be ready in case we needed to go to court. We prayed all day every day.

The prayers were heard.

On March 24 we got a phone call from the lawyers. The DA had decided not to prosecute. The charges against the state were dropped and there was no chance that Nathan would be on any list.

About 30 minutes after that we got another phone call. The DCS social worker got word from the DA and they were also dropping all charges. The case was unfounded. There was not enough solid evidence to prove that any type of abuse happened.

The Lord heard my prayers. And again, he answered.

We went home to celebrate. My family was still in tact. Shaken, bruised, battered, weak, weathered, and weary, but we were in tact.

We were a family of 3 again. No one was coming to take my baby. He would remain at home with me and his daddy where he belonged. Because no one can love him as much as we do.

Our first picture as a family of 3 again. 

I still do not know why we had to go through this. I ask the Lord all the time for that answer. And I may never know on this side of heaven. But I know that I am a stronger person, wife, mom, and Christian because of it.

But the awesome part of the story is it doesn't end there. The Lord, in all of his mercy, chose to reveal Himself even more.

The last and final part tomorrow.

This Is The Story- Part 3

Part 1 

Part 2 

This part is the hardest to write. It brings back the worst day of my life. The rawest of feelings. Anger -so much so that it was sinful. Still is at times. A period of being lost and helpless. I am already crying just remembering. 

But I choose to remember because it was in this valley that the Lord carried me. He didn't speak to me. He didn't sing His song over me so that I could hear it. He simply carried me. And until you have been in the situation where you can do nothing but pray for the Lord's mercy on your family, you don't know what I am talking about. 

February 14. For me-Valentine's Day will never be the same. 

The day began with Nathan's family coming to our room and visiting. There isn't much to do but stare at the wall and pray for the pain to somehow cease when your 4 month old has broken ribs. So we carried on some small talk and prayed over his little body.

Nathan and I were urged to take a walk because we had not stepped foot out of the room or out of our son's reach in 15+ hours. We needed to hold hands and speak to each other privately. We decided to take their suggestion and began walking. We found ourselves 2 steps inside the gift shop when my mother-in-law called and told me that there was a doctor and a social worker waiting to speak to us. We ended our walk and returned to room 1023.

I wish we had just run away instead. We could never have imagined what we were about to experience.

 A doctor, a social worker, and a nurse practitioner stood on the side of my son's bed and looked at him. The doctor pocked and prodded him. She flipped him all sorts of ways. And he screamed. She did nothing to calm him. So I did the only thing I knew to do and that was get in his ear and whisper, "Shhhhhhhh. Mama is here and Jesus is holding you. Rest in the Lord baby." Over and over again I said this. I missed a lot of what was said between my husband and the professionals until they asked him what happened. The baby had calmed down and I returned to the conversation.

I heard my husband tell the story of what happened. The same story he told me. The same story he told our families. I felt so bad for him. Not only did he have to live it but now he was having to retell it. The social worker took notes the whole time, and the doctor seemed to be in another world.  They asked us personal questions about our jobs and such. When the conversation was coming to a close the doctor told us that babies don't just break ribs from falls. Something more has to happen. And this is when it sank in. They thought my husband had abused our child.

My husband would never hurt our baby. Or anyone for that matter. He is the most compassionate, understanding, calm, and level headed man in my life. He is not a child abuser.

The 3 women left the room and I fell to the floor. I lost it for the first time since being admitted to the hospital. I hit the floor, put my head between my knees, and I wept. A sweet friend happened to be there at the time and she held me and cried with me. I couldn't speak. I could only cry. I couldn't think. I could only cry. And then she began praying. When I couldn't, she did. Oh, how I am thankful for her.

I couldn't hear the Lord but I know that He held me too.

Moments later the room phone rang. It was the social worker. She said that she was sending two case workers from the Department of Child Services and an officer of the Memphis Police Department to our room. Nathan would need to speak to these people. When I hear DCS, I think losing my baby. And I lost my mind again. This time it took Nathan to calm me down.

In short, Nathan told the story of what happened to 2 case workers, an officer, a Lieutenant. He was taken to the police station in downtown Memphis in the back of a cop car where he told his story 2 more times. CSI, thats right-Crime Scene Investigation-, came to our room and took pictures of Camden and Nathan. They went to our house to get photos of the crime scene. Thats what they called my home. Talk about a shot to the heart. At 9:45 p.m I saw him again. We hugged and he reassured me it would all be ok.

The next day was full of tests. Camden had x-ray after x-ray. He blood was taken many times a day. He had a CAT scan and an hour long bone density scan. The doctor on our case even ordered for him to be tested for shaken baby syndrome. This was the hardest one of all for me to watch. They put drops in his eyes that made his pupils dilate. The drops burned his eyes so he screamed. The had to do 3 rounds of drops.

We heard nothing from DCS. It was torture.

Family and friends continued to rally around us. They sat in bed with Camden and read him books. Nathan's best friends knocked on the door one night at 8 o'clock with no warning just to show their support. People prayed with us and for us. We couldn't find the words to go to the Lord. We clung to the Holy Spirit and the promise that when we couldn't say what we needed to, the Spirit groaned for us on our behalf.

On Wednesday night we saw the doctor on our case for the last and final time. She entered the room to deliver the results of the bone scan. We had been told that if the test showed brittle bones then we would be off the hook. We didn't know what to expect. She sat us down, looked us in the eyes, and then began.

"The bone scan revealed 3 additional broken ribs. That brings the count to 7. In the x-ray I see some enzymes in his liver that are elevated. I also saw some spots on his chest that I am concerned about. Babies don't break ribs. Someone has to squeeze them."

And then she said the words that to this day I can not get out of my head. She looked at each one of us. She made a point to make eye contact.

Then she said, "You, or you, did this in a moment of rage."

Thats when it happened. Someone with a professional title said that one of us abused our child. There is no worse feeling in the world.

We were mad.

We were told the next day that we would hear from the DCS workers to let us know what would happen next.

To be continued...

This Is The Story- Part 2

Part 1

Once the nurses left the room and were waiting for the doctors to come in, Nathan told me what happened.

It was February 13, 2012. The weather was cold, rainy, and snowy. We have two dogs who stay outside during the day, but if the weather is bad we allow them to stay inside. Nathan was so sweet to think of me that morning before he left for work and put up a baby gate to keep the dogs out of our bedroom. He knows I hate when they get on my bed.

That afternoon Nathan picked Camden up from daycare and came home. When they got home he was playing with the baby in the recliner and Camden, doing what 4 month olds do, spit up on his shirt. Nathan hates spit up. I think its the smell. He got up with the baby and went to our bedroom to change his shirt. Being the awesome dad that he is, he was talking to the baby on their way to the room. He forgot that the baby gate was there. And down they went.

Nathan did what he could to hold the baby up but as physics would have it, when a six foot, 180 lb. man hits a baby gate at his knees and one hand is tied up holding an infant, its hard to maintain any control. Nathan and the baby crashed to the floor. Camden hit his right side on the hard wood floor. Nathan busted up his knee.

Jesus was there though. If Nathan had not been holding Camden like he was and talking to him as they walked, Camden's head would not have been in his hand. But is was. Only rib damage. Nothing in his brain was touched.

Lucky? Not a chance.

Blessed? All day long.

Nathan said that as he brought Camden up, he could feel ribs popping in his little body. Thats when he panicked. People fall and drop babies all the time. Accidents happen. But the rib popping- thats scary.

And unusual apparently.

Neither of us were aware of the oddity of this injury. While we were in the waiting room I got a text from my brother who used to work at LeBonheur. He told me not to be shocked if we had to talk to a social worker. Protocol.

Protocol. I have come to hate that word.

About 30 minutes went by and we were greeted by a doctor. He came in all stern, shook our hands, and then began the words that would change our lives.

"This type of accident is very rare. Yes, people fall with their babies all the time but babies don't break ribs. Their bones are very soft so for them to have broken bones, we have to look into foul play. Abuse, if you will. I am not saying that that is what happened, but because of the rarity of this injury we would like to admit you tonight and have to speak to a social worker in the morning."

His words ended as fast as they began and he left. When your child has broken ribs, any kind of "official and legal" speech is all slurred together. Yea, I heard that we would have to talk to a social worker -my brother warned me of that. But the rest, well would would tackle that the next day.

The next day-

February 14. Valentine's Day. The day of love.

I like to call this day Hell.

At least in room 1022 thats what it felt like.

To be continued.

This Is The Story- Part 1

The Story.

The one that I have been living out for the last 5 months. The one that I have been dreading reluctant to write because if I write it that means that it really happened.

It did. And I am just now healed enough to tell about it.

Its like the story ended, died rather, in March but it wasn't cold yet. In every aspect of the system it was over-dead and buried. But in my heart, it was still warm. The last remnants of the heart beat were still there. The nerves were still twitching, and I was still mourning over the loss that I had experienced.

The loss of my old life.

It happened on February 13, 2011 and my life was changed forever.

A few weeks before I was struggling in my life in finding my identity. I mentioned it here.  I prayed that the Lord would help me find my identity-and when you pray earnestly, He answers.

I was at Wal-Mart after school doing stuff for a purchase order when Nathan called me. I answered and he sounded frantic. He said, "Whitney, I fell with Camden." I could hear the baby crying in the background, but for some reason I wasn't panicked. I am always panicked when it comes to the baby, but not this time. I could hear the Lord say, "I am with you." So I stayed calm. I reassured Nathan that he was probably ok and just a little scared.

Nathan's voiced said differently. I told Nate to head to the hospital and I would meet him there. He said ok. At home, Nathan got the car seat and was putting Camden in. He called his mom in the meantime to see what she would do. During the conversation Camden stopped breathing.

He hung up with her and called 911. Within 5 minutes the paramedics were at our house. At this point, I am still frantically making my way from Southaven to Memphis. Nathan and Camden are taken to a hospital in a different city.

In what seemed like forever I was there. The boys were in a small triage room. I saw Nate first from the window and his face held the look of hurt. He had accidentally hurt our baby and he hurt because of it. I walked in and asked to hold Camden. Nathan passed him to me and he screamed. I held him tight and whispered in his little ear, "Mama's here, baby. Mama's here. Rest in Jesus. Rest in Jesus." I began praying over his little body. After I spend some time with my boy I looked up to the chaos going on around me. A nurse and 2 paramedics were also in the room taking notes. I looked at Nathan and told him that I loved him and that we would all be ok and would soon be on our way. Little did I know that we weren't going home that night because it was worse than we thought.

Nathan and Camden were taken for an X-Ray and I waited not-so-patiently in the room. I could hear Camden crying from where I was, but I couldn't see a thing. I prayed and updated family by text while I waited. About 20 minutes later, Nathan, Camden and the nurse came back to the room. Their faces were solemn. I asked what it was.

Broken ribs. 4 broken ribs. My baby, my 4 month old, had 4 broken ribs. Broken.

And thats where I became broken. The nurse handed Cam to me and told me how to hold him. I did as I was told and I felt what I thought was congestion as he breathed. I told the nurse that that was not there before. She looked at me and as kind as she could she said, "No, those are his ribs cracking."

I lost it. I wailed out loud and fell into my husbands chest. He held me and I cried harder and louder than I had ever cried before. I felt like I was going to pass out so I handed the baby to Nate and sat on the hospital bed. All I could do was pray. The Lord was the only thing I had to cling to.

I found it. My identity. He was my identity. Because when your baby has broken ribs and they are cracking every time he breathes, you have nothing else to hold on to.

From this point, they gave Camden an IV and were were transported to LeBonheur Children's Hospital. I cried the whole trip and wondered why they didn't have the sirens and lights on. This was an emergency people. And my baby deserves lights and sirens. But the only thing I heard was Camden crying from the stretcher in the back while 4 strangers tried to soothe him. Its hard to be a mom and have to sit by watching other people soothe your baby with broken ribs and you have to simply sit in the passenger seat.

I clung to Jesus and prayed. It was all I could do. "Jesus, since I can't right now, please hold my baby. Heal the hurt and speak to him. Let him know that you are holding him."

After what could have been forever, we arrived and were taken in. We were met by a team of people and were taken to a room.

There began our stay for the next 4 nights.

While in this room, I asked Nathan to explain to me what happened. Up until this point all I knew was that they fell. But there were more details. Not big details-just more that made it all make more sense.

To be continued...