Shooting Stars

Tonight I walked out onto my balcony and I had a wandering mind. Its been a battle between my heart and my brain lately. I am confused and hurt about some things. I am happy and exhausted. Its been hard here, in this body of mine.

I do, though, feel like I am about to dismount from the hardest routine of my life. And my mind begins to wander again. Is the dismount going to be harder than the routine? Or did the routine prepare my body, heart, and mind to approach it with grace and skill? Do I have the energy to land with my feet together, stand tall, then look at my Coach and hear the words, "Well Done."

So as I was looking up into a blanketed sky, longing to hear the slightest whisper of those words, I began to beg to see a shooting star. Maybe I just wanted a sign in the midst of this turmoil that I am being watched by the One who matters. That I am being taken care of. That I am going to make it.

I looked and looked and looked. Nothing.

I closed my eyes and like a 5 year old girl putting the faith of her foolish wishes in false hope, I slowly opened them thinking that just because I wanted to see something I was going to. Nothing.

Then I looked down. And my eyes stayed down for some time. And then it hit me. How in the world am I ever going to see a shooting star, a love last for a lifetime, or even the face of Savior if my head is down. Defeated.

So I don't feel like I have the energy to keep my head up. I don't feel like I have the hope to keep my head up. I don't feel like I have the desire to keep my head up.

I just want to see a shooting star. Or hear a whisper. I need to sense something.

Father, hold my head up for me when the weight of the world is directing my eyes down. I beg of you.