When Does It End?

This slump.

This loneliness.

This bitterness.

I am so desperate for a break. I tell girls all the time that we come to Christ while we are sinners. Not after we get our act together. But thats easier said than done I am reminded.

I feel like I have nothing to offer God and as I look back on my relationship with Him I get an overwhelming feeling that the majority of our relationship has been this way.

Now when I feel Him, I totally feel Him. But when I don't, I curl up into a ball of self-pity and return to sin. Sin that Satan won't let me forget. Or break the chains of. Sin that looks so good.

And I am so overwhelmed with other things to do than read my word. Or pray. Satan you are good at what you do. You have won again.

And then the enemy slaps me in the face with the fact that I am getting married in less than 8 months. I am going to be a terrible wife. I cause N to stumble when I should be encouraging him and building him up. I am a hinderance to his minstry. He feels guilt and shame that wouldn't be in existence if I weren't in the picture.

How long will I feel like this? How long will I continue to try to get right before I get on my knees? How long will Satan sink his teeth in me?

How long will God hide his face from me? Or am I hiding it from Him?

When does it end?