Because I Need To Tell The Story

Tuesday, December 22 is a day to remember. Not because I want to but because I just can't forget.

I can't forget the look on my dad's face when he looked at me and said to me and N, "Hey, ya'll come inside and look at something." Little did I know there was nothing to see on the other end of that statement other than heartache and tears.

I follow him in the house and wait to see what it was I was to see and then I get the look. The gut wrenching look from my dad that something was wrong. Something was really wrong.

"Whitney, Paw Paw shot himself in the head today."

My first thought was what in the heck is my Paw Paw doing loading a gun to accidently shoot himself.

Then it hit me. Suicide. I let out a wail and landed in my daddy's chest. I cried the ugly cry of course, for what seemed like two hours. And there my daddy held me and rocked me and spoke softly to me.

I composed myself and then the numbness faded. A flood of emotions came and I was mad. How could my granddaddy do this to my family? To my dad? To me? To my grandmother? Especially my grandmother. Suicide happens to other people families, not mine. In all the humility that I can muster up I say, we aren't that kind. We are raised to be people with dignity who don't give up. And the man of our family had just given up. And didn't care to tell us about it.

So of course we throw mix-matched clothes in bags, get in the car, and hit the road. It was dad, mom, N, and me. The confusion continued for 4 and a half hours. The whole time I was wondering details. How, when, where, and especially why?

Then we pulled into the driveway and the tears came. My cousin met me at the car door and we hugged. After meeting the family that was outside for a bit we ventured inside. To see who we had been dying to see. My grandmother. See saw us and we saw her and the flood of tears came. We talked about the details that I needed to know and some that I didn't want to know. The night ended at 2am.

Day 2 I woke up to my grandmother saying that she found a letter. It was a love letter from my Paw Paw to her. We cried.

Day 3 is Christmas Eve and funeral day. My grandfather wanted to be cremated so the service was short and sweet. To the point was what we needed it to be. And we cried and we cried. I could explain more details about the timing of this whole thing but I'll spare you. Just know that it was timed.

Day 4 is Christmas day and this is the first day that we laughed more than we cried. Which we needed. Maw Maw cleaned out stuff and sorted through things and cried. But at the end of the tears was a silly story about my Paw Paw and a smile creeped through.

So now let me feel you in on some details. My Paw Paw had Alzheimers disease and he knew it was getting bad. Yes we were raised not to be a coward and give up on our problems. And I thought that that was what he did. But instead of being a coward, he was being courageous. He didn't want to be a burden on my grandmother and us so he took the only road that he knew. And I appreciate him for it. For I know that he is where he wanted to be. With the Lord. Another man who held me and rocked me and spoke softly to me when my world came crashing down.

I am so upset that suicide was the reason for losing my first grandparent. I had prepared myself for other scenarios, but not this one.

I am upset that instead of a unity candle at my wedding, I will replace it with a memorial candle.

I am upset my children can't meet their great-grandfather.

But I am so grateful for salvation and the opportunity to see my Paw Paw again.

The story doesn't end there but for tonight I am going to close this chapter. Thats if you read up until this point.

I want to be you when I grow up

I am jealous. So jealous of you.

You have what I want.

You lose it easily.

Adored you are. I, not so much.

You have the faith that I would kill for.

Ok, not kill. I have enough faith to know thats wrong.

I want your eyes.

Your voice.

Your luck.

Your grades and discipline.

Just once to be you. Oh how it would be love.

I want to be you when I grow up.

Paths.

Last night our pastor preached on prayer. Something I really needed to hear. I knew so in my heart and I was reassured when I left because my toes were sore. You know, from him stepping on them.

The Good Lord knew just what I needed to hear. He has been trying to get through to me for some time now but I have been ignorant and have been choosing not to listen. I heard, but I did not listen.

There is a difference.

So He went another route and used someone else to speak His message to me.

Bro. E preached for about 20 minutes and I listened. But it didn't sink in until the end when he used a particular description. This is how it went. Minus some of the better details because I just can't remember them.

There were people in another land who lived in little huts. They lived about 7-8 people per hut so there wasn't a lot of room for privacy. And private meetings with the Lord is something He requires.

So these people would go out into the woods as a group and then disperse from each other to meet with the Lord. Some would go behind trees. Some behind bushes. Some just simply away from the others. And then they would come back together. They would talk about their prayer request and they would say-

We should pray for (insert name.) For their path has grown up.

Stop right there. Can you imagine? We should pray for them, for their path has grown up.

What if we had paths that people could see? What if they could tell whether we were or were not taking out time from our day to meet with the Lord? Really and truly meet with him.

Actually, I'm kindof glad we don't. Frankly, I would be embarrassed. And ashamed. People count on me to pray for them and I let it slip past me.

For my own path has grown up. My room is vacant. And each day that goes by without fervent prayer to the Lord is a wasted day.

So what about your path. How does it look today? Is is worn down from feet that are diligent and worthy of a time of communication with the Lord? Or is it like mine? Full of brush, thorns and weeds-that look so misleading. Thicket that is quietly saying that its too much for me to trample. To wide to get through. To dangerous to trod.

What does your path look like?

Thanksgiving checklist

If you know anything about me you know that I am very family oriented. Family is my thing. When the holidays roll around I always look forward to the next year because I know that we will be able to do it again. But this year is different.

I mentioned in my last post that this is mine and N's last holiday season as singles with our families before we begin our own traditions. And I said it was bittersweet. Which it is.

But I realized today that I am not happy this season. I'm not quite whole. And I didn't realize how hard this holiday season was going to be until I realized I had to do it alone. The man who put the ring on my finger would be miles away with his family. Enjoying their traditions. While I am sludging through mine. And that's hard.

There is a sense of longing that has never existed. Even when we were dating and I went to see all of my out-of-town family, it never really hurt. Yes, of course I missed him but it wasn't painful, per say. This year, oh its way different. Way way different.

And this is only the first holiday of this season. Lord, keep close. I'm going to need you.

And so, on my thanksgiving checklist I have:

turkey...check

dressing...check

family...check

laughter...check

shopping..check

a whole, happy heart... no-so-check.

Happy Thanksgiving to you all. May your week be filled with lots of food, laughter, and the ones you love the most.

Spark of Random

Its one of those nights in which I have nothing to do- other than sit here and bask in my lack of creativity and inability to write a decent, or moreso, interesting blog.

So as I sulk in my brainfart, I will let you in on a little of my life lately. (Its madly entertaining so hang onto your seats boys and girls.)

-I am getting married in 111 days. It is flying by. Most of the time I am so ready to get married and then I am reminded of my weirdness and faults and I wonder if I can actually live with someone for the rest of my life without them wanting to run screaming. Lawd, please. N, I hope you're ready.

-Since I mentioned wedding, this is mine and N's last holiday season to ourselves. My last one in which the same ole ways that we have always done things will be normal. Next year we will start our own traditions. Its exciting. But oh so bittersweet.

-I have been on weight watchers for 10 weeks now and I lost 10 pounds! I don't feel any different but I know the buttons on my jeans are thanking me. I hope (Lord Jesus I need all the self control you can possible give one person) that I can keep it off over the holidays. It is going to be so hard. But our leader said that if we mearly maintain over the holidays, we should count that as a win. So bring it on turkey and dressing. You don't scare me...or Jillian Michaels. Well you may scare my hips but January is right around the corner...I will work you off.

-We booked our honeymoon! After much debate and many headaches, we chose.....drumroll please...DISNEYWORLD! I am so excited. My parents honeymooned at Disneyworld as did N's sister and brother-in-law. And did you expect me and that crazy guy of mine to go anywhere serious. Puh-leez.

-ok. thats it. I am totally out of things to say. I am ashamed. But don't blame me. Blame the turkey and dressing that has my mind racing and my mouth drooling. Its going to be sinful.

Until next time. But don't hold your breath. You all know how I am when it come to blogging.

Married to the ministry.

I mean...Married to the minister. Youth minister that is. Ordained youth minister to be complete.

Ok and so we aren't so married yet but soon.

And in these months of engagement I have prayed that the Lord would prepare my heart for things I would never imagine. I asked him to give me a peace about why we had to have such a long engagement by keeping close to me. Preparing me to be married in the ministry. Helping me learn how to surrender anything that I needed to to be a better wife for my husband.

And let me warn any fellow passive pray-ers, if you say it you better mean it.

I have been a methodist all my life. I know the norms of the denomination. I understand why we do things the way we do. I know what not to do. But the Lord wasn't satisfied with me being so comfortable the way things were. No! He had to go and shake things up. And by shake I only mean totallyshakethingsupbymakingmechangedenominationsandbehappyaboutit kind of shake up. No biggie right? Wrong!

It is so hard to change what I have always known. To leave behind the church that meant so much to me. To join a church that my soon-to-be-husband belongs to and not my parents. To totally switch denominations. Become a baptist.

Have I mentioned its hard? Because it is. And I think it was so hard for me because I had to be baptized. I think baptisms are precious when its a youngster who just recieved Christ. Or an old man who just surrender to the 20 year chase of the Holy Spirit. But me? I have been a believer for 3 years and have done fine without baptism. Besides, we don't really do that in the methodist church. Its just not as common. You can tell I have had a stong struggle in my heart about it because I have written about it before.

I knew it was coming. But I was mad.

And then we go back to the Lord. You remember when I asked Him to do something insane during this long engagement that He couldn't do if we were married? Well He did. And He did it big.

Long story short, I was baptized this weekend. N got ordained in the most beautiful ceremony and at the end he performed his first act as an ordained minster...he baptized his fiance. Me. The Methodist-turned-Baptist.

It was everything I needed it to be. Me, God, and N. Mom and dad were there. Ash and Chris. The in-laws. It was beautiful.

So all that to say-be careful what you pray for. He is listening and sometimes, there is no haste to His answer.

Forgiven

Does the forgiveness that was won for you on the cross matter to me?

Does the forgiveness that was won on the cross for me matter to you?

Do we cherish the forgiveness of others or do we only consider what was done for us. For only us. For me. For only me. Specifically. One on one. Just my sins. Just your sins.

Or do we take time to appreciate the fact that grace and forgiveness is endless. That it extends to all races. To all shapes. To all tribes. To all nations. But most importantly, to all sins.

Do I consider that that mess up you had-that slip of the tongue, that moment that was not above reproach, that sip of alcohol, that impure action- years ago has been paid for in full before I judge you?

And do you, will you, please consider that I am forgiven when you decide to judge me. Or us. For I will account for the things that I have done wrong. My knee will bow and my tongue, confess of all my shortcomings. But until that day...

Lets remember that the forgiveness that was won on the cross that day was for you and for me. Endless. Unchanging. Lets keep our fingers and judgemental words tucked away and just bask in the peace of knowing that we are-

forgiven.

Meet My Wedding Party!

Ever since I was little I have dreamed about my wedding. I knew what colors I wanted (only except I used to dream of a wedding with tons of pinks and white- I am using blue and silver- now that I'm older I have more sence about me).

Back on topic, so I always dreamed of who would be standing beside me holding my flowers and fluffing my dress. Along the years my best friends have changed so much that I just knew God would not allow me to get married before I had the person who would be my maid of honor, my life long friend, and all the other "positions" until he provided those people. And He did.

So would you like to meet them? They are dying to meet you.

Maid of Honor: Ashley McGee

Me and Ashley met at Itawamba Community College when we were freshmen. We were both on color guard so we kindof had to become friends. Well, friends we were to become! I can't explain how it happened but we just instantly became best friends. She talked to me about Chirst and invited me to go to a Bible Study with her. He caring words and love for me and the Lord eventually led me to my salvation. So we have been best friends going on 4 years now. We live together again (since ICC) and I couldn't imagine anyone better to be living my last single months with than her. She is so much fun! And encouraging. And pretty. And smart. And-well she's my Maid of Honor. or MOH as I like to call her.

Matron of Honor: Dawn Geno

This is Dawn. Isn't she precious. She is Nathan's big sister. The wife to Bradley Geno. And the mother to Lydia Grace. When I was younger I always wanted a sister but I had no clue that the Lod would ever actually give me one. In high school I always dated boys with only brothers so when I found out that Nathan had sisters, I was actually quite scared. Were they going to be like me and hate all the girls that my brother brought home? Were they going to be quiet? Were they going to be accepting? And I am blessed to say that they were everything I wanted in "sisters". Me and Dawn have gotten so close in the last few months and I wouldn't want anyone else to stand in my party as my matron of honor if if wasn't her. She is full of grace and beauty. She is sweeter than a cherry and nicer than anyone I have ever been around. And she gave me my first neice. Kuddos to that, right!

Bridesmaid: Emily Russell

Emily is also Nathan's sister and she is totally my type. Emily is so full of energy and excitement. She loves to talk so I knew from the beginning that we would get along. Emily is a junior in high school and is a cheerleader. She is totally like the typical like cheerleader type, ok? ok! No, but in all seriousness- Emily has the faith like no other for her age. She shallenges me to be a better Christian and a better person in general. Em loves her brother and her dad more than any other men in the world. She is too sweet like that! Emily is going to bring so much cheer and joy to our wedding day- I can't wait to see her standing beside me.

Bridesmaid: Kimberly Wiginton

This is my cousin Kimberly. Kim is 4 years older than me but you would never know it when we are together. We have always been best of friends. But sadly, we have lived so far away while we were growing up that we only got to see each other at family get togethers. But distance didn't stop up from being inseperable when we did get to see each other. When we get together, its like noone else exists. We don't stop talking and we surely don't stop laughing. Kimberly was the cousin or friend that we all have who we want to look like and be like and talk like...you know what I'm talking about? Yea, thats her. She is a doll inside and out. This is one person who I have always known would be in my wedding one day.

Bridesmaid: Rachel Rodgers

Rachel is the one on the right and also my cousin from the other side of my family. Her dad is my dad's brother. She is absoutly beautiful. Rachel and me were the cousins who would get together and would always get in trouble. "Who, Whitney," you gasp in shock! Yes me. This girl could get me to do anything growing up. There was never a dull moment with us two. Rachel and me have always talked about our wedding days so when the ring came, I knew that she would be in it. She also just finished cosmotology school so all credit will be given to her for the cute heads of hair on the big day.

Junior Bridesmaid: MaryAnne Purvis

MaryAnne is my junior bridesmaid and we have been friends since she was born. Her mom had difficulty getting pregnant so MaryAnne is such a blessing to us all. She has the spunk of the typical 5th grader but the love of an adult. In this picture me and MaryAnne were playing "dress up" in our dresses for the wedding so, yes thats my veil. Our two moms are best friends so me and MaryAnne get to hangout alot and it has been so cool to see her grow into a young lady and develop her own personality through the years. Again, since I never had any sisters of my own, MaryAnne has had the priviledge, errrr chance, to play that for me! She is going to be cute as a button in the wedding.

So there you have it. Thats my side of the wedding party. Nathan still hasn't asked all of his party so I can't do them yet but what do those stinky boys matter anyways. I am so glad you got to meet the ladies who are the most important to me. They were delighted to have the opportunity to meet you =)

Raise your hand if you love pictures!

For all of those who raised their hands, here you go.

I have had a lack of posting lately but I promise thats about to end. I have a spectacular idea (well you may not think so) but its going to be the brainchild of my posting from here on out, errr except today.

So now onto said photos...

one hundred sixty five

1.6.5.

165 days until my heart becomes whole.
165 is a composite number.
1+6+5 is 12: the channel that One Tree Hill comes on.
The 165th verse of Psalm 119 is pretty rocking.
165 is the number of bobby pins that I have lost in the past year. (if not more.)
165 is a speed I would never dare to go.
165 is the amount I spent on a prom dress once.

But more importantly, 165 is the number of days that I have left to learn how to be a better Christian. I have to become a Youth Ministers Wife in 165 days. In 165 days I have to lead girls to the Lord full time. Live life with them. Disciple them.

I have 165 days to get ready for this. 165 days to read my word. To become a more mature Christian.

God, please don't let me waste the next 165 days.

I have Senioritis.Bad.

I have senioritis. Bad.

I know this because I am writing a blog post instead of studing for a test that I have in in about 30 minutes.

I have seniotitis. Bad.

I only have a little over 2 more months to be a "regular student" but by golly these 2+ months are sure taking their time.

I have senioritis. Bad.

I feel like that little girl in Shel Silversteins poem I don't want to go to school today. I am making up excuses not to go. My head hurts. I have the chicken pox. I am planning a wedding. (Are engaged people required to go to class?) Regardless, I don't want to go to school today. Or tomorrow for that matter.

I have senioritis. Bad.

Is there a cure yet for this raging epidemic of all seniors nationwide? If so, Good Lawd please send some my way. I might scream if it doesn't end soon. Because... yep, you guessed it-

I have senioritis. Bad.

It's Coming. It's Coming. It's Coming.

Marriage is getting closer and closer and the closer it gets the longer it is seeming to take. I think that this has to be the worst wait in all of life. Being so close to being with the one who will take me to the rest of my life but yet still being a little less than 6 months away. Its hard to wait. I want these 6 months to fly by but the one thing I don't want to fly by is living with the best. the moh. the aunt. the sister.

You see this year I have the amazing priviledge, scratch that, blessing, to live with Ash again. We lived together once before when we were sophomores at ICC but life happened and circumstances weren't right so that ended abruptly. I swore we would live together again. So God allowed that to happen and after last year I squelled all summer in anticipation for her to get her.

She was in California all summer serving the Lord with her time and her talent and I was here in Starkville wriggling for her to get back to the south and live with me again. So miles away from each other we counted down the days until she came back. And she did. And she moved in. And it has been amazing.

Can I just share with you why she means so much to me? Please do you day. Well alright. I'll go right ahead.

1. As I am typing this I am sitting right beside her on the couch. Last year this would have never happened. Its the little things that bring comfort to a day.
2. She is my Maid of Honor and not that its do or die but she has already started planning a lingerie shower for me. All though the wedding is still months away she has potential dates and guests all ready to go. Who does that? My best friend, thats who.
3. She prays for me. I think her prayers go to God faster than mine so I always put my requests in her ear so she can do what she does best.
4. Her boyfriend cooked us steaks last week. Thats my kind of pseudo-future-brother-in-law.
5. She goes running with me. And on that run we talk and encourage each other. I think there is rarely a think as bonding as exercising together. You are pushing through what you think you can't do as the best beside you is puching you to go harder.
6. I think we tell each other that we love each other at least 50 times a day. Now thats a best friend.

Ash, I am so thankful for you. Thank you for loving me for who I am. Thanks for cooking with me and just being best friends with me. You are precious. Heres to the nursing home. We shall be the envy. I love you.

Sneak Peak

A few weekends ago we had our professional engagement session and I figured I would share the sneak peak she showed us. Enjoy.

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.
1 Peter 4:8

Blue, 42, Hut. Hut. Hut.

This past weekend was the opening game for football and if you know anything about me you know that I am not necessarily the world's biggest fan. Now don't get me wrong, I love some Mississippi State football. I can scream and ring that cowbell with the best of them but as far as knowing what's going on, I should be on the sideline coaching I ain't gotta clue! Nonetheless, the game day was splendid. Here is how it went…

First of all, we (me, Ash, and Chrissy) bought a tent. We searched and searched for a good deal on one of those tailgating tents. Well we thought we found the perfect one at Big Lots in Tupelo so I loaded up and went to get it. Well all was great. I was so proud of myself for finding it, getting it, and I just knew we were going to be the envy of the Junction. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I was wrong.

This is our tent, we affectionately call her Little Green.

Contain your oooh's and ahhh's please people. She can't take the attention. When everyone else around us ran out to set up their tent at five 0'clock, they had their frame which oh so easily pulled apart. We had our roof. And were we cool. So, needless to say, we went that night and bought a NICE tent. We hated to bring shame to Little Green but our pride was at stake. So we bought a fancy new tent but didn't get a picture of her. She thinks she is royalty. And to us she is!

Here is me and the best. Can you believe this is our first picture together in months! This is us dry. This is also her first time to tailgate. And we decided that the motto for our first Junction outing in which we had our very own Tent (she requires a capitol letter because she is that good) was Live and Learn. Whew we forgot some things which made out time out there a little less convient but we laughed the whole time. Here is our Live and Learn lesson #1.

If you bring a grill, bring a spatuchula. We had to rig something out of a aluminum pan and a plastic. Poor Chrissy burnt his little fingers. But man was it funny!

Lesson #2, if you are a Mississippi State student, bring your id to the game. This is totally directed at me because mine was in my car. So this led to being separated from the group. Me and Chrissy ended up having to sit with Nate's boys. Which wasn't bad at all but it wasn't my best or my fiancé.


Lesson #3, if there is a rumor that it is going to rain, bring some sort of shelter. This is Derrick. He is one of Nate's groomsmen so we had fun together. I would have cried if I didn't see him in the stands to sit with. We battled the rain together, he put my engagement ring in his pocket so it wouldn't fall off…we are officially going to be lifelong friends.

Then I found Nate and my day was all better.

So that was our day. It was too much fun and too wet but at the end of it we survived. We Lived and Learned and our Tent stood strong and proud through all of it.

Wedding Process Update!

Because I know all of you are just on the edge of your seats to see where we are on the process...

We have hired a photographer, took some engagement pictures, and took some more engagement pictures...

This is one of the pictures from our first session. We had a friend take them (we asked her before we had an "official" photographer.) But now we do and she is making our save the dates with these super cute pictures that we took...

She also threw in a free engagement session with our wedding package so we took those pictures at Shelby Farms this past weekend. I will post those as soon as they are ready!

Next, my MOH came up and we pucked out bridesmaid dresses! We had the best time picking them out and I had to keep pinching myself the whole time. Every girl always dreams of her wedding day and I was actually shopping for the dresses for the ladies who will stand beside me on mine. It was surreal and I couldn't image anyone better to pick them out with. I have the best MOH.

So here is what we found... this dress is for my maid and matron of honor. Our color is marine... and this dress is for my other 3 ladies. I love them and I think that its going to be beautiful!

So there you have it. Thats the latest! See ya next time.

Submission

Submission to God and submission to my husband.

Why is that such a hard comcept to learn for a Christian girl? Especially one who is engaged to be married in a little more than 6 months.

Maybe it has to do with the fact that I am totally and 100% type A. I like to be in charge at all times. I make the decisions I want to make. I take the roads I want to take. And I say the things I want to say.

I have mentioned this funk that I have been going through several times before and now that I am seeing the top of the mountain that led me out of that valley I can honestly say that the biggest thing the Lord taught me was submission.

I have learned before and have always known that I need to submit my life to the Lord and His will for it. But what I hadn't learned, and did not want to learn, was submission to my groom. The man who is going to make the decisions for me and my family for the rest of my life.

I have heard that word so many times before but until it directly applied to me and my life I wrote it off as something I would learn later on down the road. Well now the time has come and after much prayer. anger. emotions. resilence. bargaining. I lost the battle. I happily laid down my guard of being in control and gave it to N. And suprisingly after the fight was all over and done with I have come to realize I was hungry to give that to someone. There is no better feeling than putting your trust in the one you love to take care of you and your family (one day.)

Submission to my Lord and submission to my groom. my love. my spiritual leader. my husband.

And at the end of the day, knowing that the two men who love me the most are in control I can rest in peace. Try to let go today. Its worth every minute of not being in control.

I've Got That Joy Joy Joy Joy

Down in my heart. Where?

Down in my heart!

And I do. It has been a long time coming but I think I am finally out of that mini depression that I was going through. I mean after all I have so much to be grateful for. Can I share some of them with you. Ok great!

This is the Best. The MOH. The future kiddos aunt. And we are living together again! I forgot what a roomate who talks to me is like! And its wonderful!

Football season and tailgating is about to start up again! I am so ready to sit in the stands, wave my cowbell, and act like I have half a clue about whats going on.

I get to work with this little fellow. C is one of the most precious things in my life. When we see each other a small smile creeps to each of our faces.

I got to meet this super cool lady. Her name is Candace Cameron and if that doesn't do it for you do DJ Tanner ring a bell? She came to our church and spoke and was awesome. If I could be half the person that she is...

And finally, this is the marquee at the theatre in Tupelo and we are using it to make our save the date announcements. So save that date. I will post the pictures after they are all done and cutesy!

So until next time.

Unredeemed

I have been going through some rough spots. I feel like my prayers bounce off the clouds more than pass through them. Its getting hard to keep my head up. Guilt weighs heavy on my heart. Ministry, more often than not these days, seems to be more like misery. I am not made for this. Nor do I feel like I am going to conform to it. I don't have the energy to act like its all going to be ok.

But when I don't know of anything else to cling to, I have the fact I all these things and all these doubts, and all my sins will not go unredeemed.

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. Romans 8:26


Prepare to cry. We are redeemed. All of our fears, all of our worries, all of our pain.

They will not go UNREDEEMED.

May I...

Introduce you to my neice?

This is precious little Lydia Grace.

She was born on Aug. 11, 2009 and we couldn't be more excited. This is the first grandbaby on both sides of the family (this is N's sister's baby). And also the first neice for any of us. And may I say that she has us wrapped around her little firgers already.

This is Dawn. Not only is she going to be the matron of honor in my wedding but we are going to be best friends until we die. I absoutly love Dawn...especially since she gave me this cute thing!

Lydia was 5 lbs. 13 oz. and 17 inches long. And get this-she never cries. She is the most perfect baby.

And this is Gammy. Or MIL as I like to call her (mother-in-law). She is just smitten with LG.

Here is the proud papa. Dawn said he cried when she was born-he denies it. But he is prepared already for LG to be a Daddy's Girl. And Lydia, when you read this (in like 10 years of course) HE SO CRIED!

Ok so this picture confirms the fact that I have man hands. But oh she was so tiny! I can't get enough of her and she smells beautiful. She is totally rocking that baby smell.

And last but not least...the best picture of them all. Uncle Nate will never be the same. And seeing him with her makes me so excited for the day that we will have a baby of our own. I guess she figured out that she had a tongue because she kept sticking it out (but I think that she knew what she was doing the whole time...she is preparing herself for wacky Uncle Nate.)

Our First Step To A Good Marriage.

So last night me and N had our first heart to heart as an engaged couple. We don't have many of those period because we really are just a happy couple. But when we do its because we have held in our feelings about something for too long and we both explode with emotions, frustration, hurtful words, and exhaustion.

Last nights topic: ministry.

This is a hard thing to talk about because we are both so passionate about it but also so stubborn. Ok so maybe its just me thats stubborn but whatever. We talked about how we have to be conscious about how we talk to each other. We have to encourage each other everyday. We have to love each other in the ministry.

These seem like they are so easy to do because thats what we do as christians, right? Well I have never been through something so difficult. Its hard to have my own idea about something and then keep my mouth shut because its his ministry and he can do it the way he wants. Its challenging when he wants to spend more time with his kids then with me. Its frustrating because we live an hour away and I never hear whats going on in the ministry of the church itself until after all the big things are decided, prayed for, or finalized.

So that being said, we are working on this marriage in the ministry thing. Its a hard calling people. Don't doubt it.

I have issues...

Major Major Money Issues!!!

I am not going to spill all the detail about it because for 1. its rather embarassing and for 2. its too heart breaking to write.

But here it is...they say the first step to recovery is admittance right? Well you can get it here first people...I admit I have a problem spending money. And when I spend I can't ever keep track of it.

You know those little books that you can get at the bank to write all your transactions on? Yea well to me those are just space fillers in a wallet. I don't have the self-discipline to write what I spend and then subtract it from the previos balance.

I don't even think that Dave Ramsey could help me...besides I couldn't afford to buy one of his books right now.

Please pray. I'd pay you to throw one up for me... but you know, thats not happeing.

18th Times The Charm.

Or Not. So I just give up.

I got on here to blog. To write something that you would read and think man she is a good writer. To express a little of what I feel.

I have started atlease 18 bligs and deleted them all. I have nothing profound to say. I want to but its all hidden in my heart so tightly that I can't find the words to let it out.

So this is the blog update that you get.

Sorry it stunk.

When Does It End?

This slump.

This loneliness.

This bitterness.

I am so desperate for a break. I tell girls all the time that we come to Christ while we are sinners. Not after we get our act together. But thats easier said than done I am reminded.

I feel like I have nothing to offer God and as I look back on my relationship with Him I get an overwhelming feeling that the majority of our relationship has been this way.

Now when I feel Him, I totally feel Him. But when I don't, I curl up into a ball of self-pity and return to sin. Sin that Satan won't let me forget. Or break the chains of. Sin that looks so good.

And I am so overwhelmed with other things to do than read my word. Or pray. Satan you are good at what you do. You have won again.

And then the enemy slaps me in the face with the fact that I am getting married in less than 8 months. I am going to be a terrible wife. I cause N to stumble when I should be encouraging him and building him up. I am a hinderance to his minstry. He feels guilt and shame that wouldn't be in existence if I weren't in the picture.

How long will I feel like this? How long will I continue to try to get right before I get on my knees? How long will Satan sink his teeth in me?

How long will God hide his face from me? Or am I hiding it from Him?

When does it end?

Good News!

This may only excite me, N, and maybe Danny and Rach (only because you guys understand the ministry!) so here it is...

We are getting our very own youth home!

And we are so excited. What does this mean you ask? Well I will be happy to tell you. It means that we are no longer in the fellowship hall when it is open on Wednesday nights and that tiny Sunday School room when its not. It means that the youth finally have a place to call all their own anytime they need to get away.

Here is how it happened...and if you dont think that its a total God thing....you must be crazy.

The night that we had our most moving night as a youth group at camp we got a call from the preacher man. He said that 2 men in the church had come together and agreed to pay for the whole thing. The house already exists...right next door to the parsonage. But the inside is

Nas-TEE! So one man said he would pay for all the sonstruction and the other said he would pay for supplies. Supplies that include a 24 hour security camera system so when me and N arent there we can still keep a watch on them over the internet! Fancy Schmancy!

The idea of the youth home went before the deacons and then the church and it approved with flying colors. God is too good to us.

So what do you think about this idea...I think we should call it the Y.A.C= Youth Activities Center and he shall be our logo!

I think he is darling! HeHe. So praise the Lord with me. He is still faithful to answer prayers. Of course.

W.

My Fantasy Wedding.

So I am doing this for my own good. Just to get some of my own ideas out so 1.) I won't forget them 2.) I can look back one day and laugh at how silly some of my ideas were.

Enjoy. This is the fantasy wedding of the future Mrs. Whitney Russell.

It all starts with the dress right? Right! So if I were to pick I would pick something similar to this one:

Its fun, its funky, but its got class. And it totally screams princess!

Next on the list...My man. Let me show you how I want to dress my beau:

Isn't he handsome. I mean the suit. Isn't the suit handsome!

Up next: Flowers! This is my flower of choice!

I may add some white roses...but not too many. There are so cliche' to me.

Now...for the ladies we have something like this. (Ashley...this is just a rough idea!)

What do you guys think? Disclaimer: If you are a member of my wedding you will be required to get a faded looking tattoo on your upper left shoulder. HA! Just kidding. We will be looking at something more like this:

I think this is just presh! I would want it in a little darker blue though.

**Sidenote: I am not the world's biggest fan of the color blue. BUT, since mine and Nathan's birthstones are both in the blue family it just seemed appropriate to use the color. I think we will make it work.

And now for the reception:

We want to achieve this look. Without the tent. Or the fancy schmancy tables. Or the massive center pieces. SO after you take all that away you have a bunch of paper lanterns left. And thats what I want.

And when I leave my reception:

Oh I just love the way this looks. Note to self: Take a darling picture like this.

So thats it in a nutshell. Hope you enjoyed. And hope to see you at the wedding. Maybe it will look something like I have planned!!!

Im Back...and Bigger and Better Than Ever!

Ok. So that may not be totally true but I am back and I have lots to fill you in on.



Where shall I begin?



First things first, wedding planning is going. And thats about all I can say. I have dreamed about my wedding all my life and now that its here and I get to plan every single small detail I dont want to do it anymore. Can I just elope? I am getting so frustrated at what people charge just because they can on things that you will only use once. I am getting to the point where I just want a small simple wedding where noone expects favors, or food, or fun. Nah Im totally just kidding. I am loving it. But it does take alot out of a girl. Especially when the Best is in a different state and wont be back for 27 more days. But whos counting?



Next on the list, Youth Stuff. Can I just say that I can not believe I am going to be in the minstry for the rest of my life. Half the time I am too excited to contain myself and the other times I am wondering what God is thinking. I just dont think that I am the right girl for this gig. But I keep reminding myself that the God who gave me this gig only wanted this girl in it. And for that I am thankful.



So this past week me and N took our 47 kiddos to StudentLife youth camp. It was my first year to go and I was blown away. We did mission camp and I got a taste of what the Best is doing everyday for her Lord. We loved on kids at low income appartments and trailor parks who hadn't bathed or eathen since Lord knows when. It was heart breaking. And then we saw the faces of children who were probably being beaten. The sadness in their hearts was unbearable. I dont know who the Lord handles the sadness.



Sunday night at camp was the best time that the youth has ever experienced as a whole. 2 of our youth accepted Christ and one was a long time coming. He had fought it longer than anyone could possibly fight the call of God and he surrendered his life to Christ. One of my girls also accapted Christ into her heart. It was beautiful. So me and N took the two of them into the hall and talked about what salvation meant. And then I heard sobbing. Loud and uncontrollable sobbing. It was N. The man of my dreams. Me and Mo finished praying and I took her back into worship. On the way in I glance at N and he is weeping for this boy. Talk about love for another.



Then it was family group time. As one youth group we went into a room and shared what God was doing. N couldn't hold himself together. I think I fell in love with him all over again. To see a man broken in front of his youth at the sight of the Lord saving souls is precious. Then there wasn't a dry eye in the room. Every kid and adult was in tears and they shared about struggles they had, praises they had and everything in between. I was in awe of the work of the Lord.

The rest of the week went like this...lots more tears, one more life given to the Lord, too many laughs to count and a trip down the Ocoee. It was a blast. We don't deserve the fun God allowed us to have.

We all had plans to come home and just live for the Lord. The kids were hyped up about what they learned and the experience they had. But Satan had other plans. The day before we came home several of the kids started saying that they didn't feel good. Well we just assumed that we were all tired and a little R & R would fix all their aches and pains. Well apparently it was a little more serious than just some muscle pains from taiming the Ocoee.

All their aches and pains were due to a contagious case of the Swine Flu. Thats right people. Our youth group is a victim of the pig. As of today we have 7 confirmed cases and counting. Some of our kids have strep and one has tonsilitis. I say its the enemy. He knows we were going to come back and do some amazing things so he is using illness to try to stop us. Well Satan you are going to have to find a different group. This is isn't going to back down.

So thats whats been going on. Its been a wild ride so far this summer and I have a feeling its only going to get better.

Until next time.

W.

New Engagement Pictures!

Here are some new pictues that are turning up from the exciting night.

I am opening the Bible that he gave me.



This is when is proposed to me. Notice the reaction. It was amazing.


I got a basket of gifts and there was a toy veil in it. I just had to put it on. Can you tell I was a very excited girl?

We are so blessed to have each other.

Lord, thank you for seeing us fit enough to take care of something as special as each other. Let us serve you with our minisrty and our lives.